Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize