She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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