we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
