So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize