there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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