I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
