i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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