i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
