Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
