I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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