Moan for me like Helen Keller
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
