So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize