he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
