What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
