def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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