You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
