i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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