I faked an abortion last night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
