can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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