We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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