She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
