I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
