I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
