Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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