he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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