I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
