i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize