Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
