I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
