I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
