Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
