I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
