I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
