two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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