i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
