So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I supernannyed him into submission
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
