Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize