I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
