DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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