Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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