well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
