my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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