I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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