he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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