My friends, they love my intelligence
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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