i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize