i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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