Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
