you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
