I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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