You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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