You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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