I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
