Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
