call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
