Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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