Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize