why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
